Yea me and john have been constantly fighting everytime i see him... it's so annoying.. tuesday he tried to walk from hy-vee back to my house a good mile and half or so... just because he was pissed off at me... life isn't going as good as i want it to or atleast as it should. things shouldn't be this difficult because i feel everything piling on top of me to the point of i can't breathe. nothing is helping anymore not even DDR which has become practically a nightly habit. I just feel like i'm searching for something from my past but what ever it is i can't seem to get close to it or even if i do it gets farther away from me when i get near. i just feel like something is missing and it's kinda starting to affect my relationship with john because i don't feel happy when i'm with him anymore... i just feel an emptiness nothingness... some may say that i have fallen outta love with him... but it's not that . it's deeper than that something with me because somewhere i lost a part of me... someplace in my past thru all the memories... i feel like i've lost something and if i don't figure this out soon it may affect everyone close to me... and for some reason i don't wanna tell anyone because of their levels of being able to understand this and the things that i've gone and been going thru. its just hard because i don't feel like i can confide in even mary. about this... everything is so far being affected... my health, my relationship, sometimes at work, my constant state of depression. i just feel like i've hit some kinda whole and that the only way to go forward is to go back... like dante... i can't even write anymore... everything is lost like a poet without its muse... this is just horrible... on a lighter note i've joined a health club called aspen and i'm working my fat ass off .... litteraly... well gotta go ... bye